Five Strategies to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

Do you apologize often, pretend to agree with everyone, or feel uneasy when someone is angry with you? Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict and resist saying no, even when you want to scream “he** no!”?

If this sounds familiar, then you are like countless other “people-pleasers” who struggle with setting boundaries and putting their own needs before others’. This stems from a persistent desire to keep others happy together or a fear of what will happen if you don’t.

I have seen veterinarians mould themselves to meet the expectations of their clients: always available by phone, email, or walk-in appointment no matter what else is on the go. I have also seen technicians giving in to schedules they resent: continually working evenings or weekends and picking up extra shifts no matter how exhausted they are.

These behaviours are done to avoid displeasing or burdening of others, but at the same time they lead to resentment, frustration, and exhaustion.

In recent years I have changed my people-pleasing ways by tuning in to my intentions, adjusting my mindset, and focusing on my needs.

Here are five strategies that helped me kick my people-pleasing habit:

Listen to your inner voice and recognize if you feel obligated to do something or genuinely want to say yes. A good way to gauge this is whether you use the word “should”. If I hear myself say “I should do that…” or “I should say yes…” then it’s a red flag for me to take a step back and ask where the expectation is coming from. “Should” say yes and “want to” say yes are two entirely different things.
Think about the motivation behind your default to say yes and consider whether you are “giving to give” or “giving to get”. In the words of Marie Forleo, are you doing something because you genuinely want to or are you doing it to receive praise or acknowledgement in return? Because if the latter is true, I suggest you recognize your intentions and resist the urge to gain worthiness this way.
Recognize that most people are rational humans and are not going to freak out if you say no. Sure they may be disappointed or inconvenienced somehow but I promise they will get over it. Once you get in the habit of setting healthy boundaries you will experience this, and it will become easier.
Know that you are not helping anyone by hiding your true needs. Trust me, I’ve been there. I can recall numerous times when I have caved in to requests only to show up irritated and resentful. This hurts relationships as people become confused as to why you showed up at all if you never wanted to be there in the first place! Healthy boundaries support healthy relationships when the expectations are clear and there is a solid foundation of trust.
Accept that it is possible to say no or decline an invitation and still be pleasant in doing so. People-pleasing is not the only way to be considerate. We can acknowledge people’s efforts and situations without caving into every request and still be deemed a kind and compassionate person. For example: “This is a great initiative, and I am flattered that you would ask me to take part. Unfortunately, I have too much on my plate already and will have to say no.” Sounds perfectly acceptable to me!

So, the next time a colleague asks you to cover a shift for the umpteenth time in a row, or a client requests that you make yourself available on your day off, stop and ask yourself what you want in that situation. And remember, you do not have to over-explain yourself, simply listen to and communicate your needs. You won’t regret it.