Five Tips for Building Better Boundaries (aka Saving Your Sanity!)

Veterinarians are notorious for struggling to maintain healthy boundaries. I cannot tell you have many veterinarians I know who go into work on their days off, follow-up with clients from home, or see patients outside of the hospital (even in their house) because a neighbour (or stranger!) asked them to. These same veterinarians tell me they are frustrated with how much time they spend at work, how demanding their clients are, and how unnerving it is to be asked veterinary-related questions outside of the work environment. So, listen up! The solution to feelings of resentment and frustration stemming from these situations lies in our ability to set healthy boundaries.

Most veterinarians default to unhealthy boundaries because they are people pleasers. They feel bad saying no and they always want to ensure that others are looked after. Veterinarians also frequently worry about what other people will think, including their clients or co-workers. I hear so many veterinarians say to me “but it’s just easier if I go into work on my day off”, “I feel bad asking my colleague to phone one of my clients”, or “what will my neighbour think if I don’t look at their dog”. Unfortunately, the short-term default to unhealthy boundaries means that while the discomfort of asserting yourself or saying no is avoided, the nasty feelings of frustration, resentment, and ultimately exhaustion, linger on. And trust me, these situations and the feelings that go with them will put you on the fast-track to burnout.

Recently I was performing a locum at a referral hospital and was asked by owners for my personal cell phone number. Their dog had been in the ICU for several days after being admitted for cluster seizures and they were understandably worried that their dog would continue to seizure after discharge. They were insistent that they be able to reach me any time in case there was a concern, or they had a question. Thankfully, I was insistent that they could not have my cell number and assured them that a veterinarian would be on the premises 24/7 to take their call and would contact me for advice if needed. Now, a few years ago I would have said “sure, no problem, call or text me any time!” But now, having learned my lesson (you would be surprised at how many owners will call or text any time!) and having developed the skills necessary to maintain healthy boundaries, I can clearly and confidently deny these sorts of requests.

So, how does a person build better boundaries for the sake of preserving balance and preventing burnout? While it’s not easy and it takes practice (like learning a new surgery skill or putting a new diagnostic test to use), if you follow these five steps, you will be much closer to maintaining work-life balance (aka guilt-free personal time).

1. Give Yourself Permission: This is the first and most crucial step that a person must take when building better boundaries. In the words of Brene Brown “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love yourself, even if it means disappointing others”. You must acknowledge and believe that you are worthy of separation from clients and time off from work during which you completely disconnect and enjoy activities that are not veterinary-related. Know that you are engaging in self-care and you are allowing yourself to be a better person when you accept that healthy boundaries are necessary.
2. Acknowledge Your Needs and Limits: We all have physical, emotional, spiritual, and social needs such as the number of hours of sleep per night, how many days we can work in a row, the amount of time we require for personal reflection, and the frequency of opportunities to connect with others, respectively. We also have limits such as ethical dilemmas or situations of moral stress when we might have to say no in order to adhere to how we believe we should practice veterinary medicine. Spend time identifying your needs and limits so that you can easily recognize where boundaries are needed.
3. Communicate Boundaries Clearly: As uncomfortable as it is, the wording that you use to assert a boundary is important. It can be difficult to say no, but if you use phrases like “I’m not sure” or “let me think about it”, then people will continue to take advantage of your uncertainty. Be confident in what you need and what your limits are and do not be afraid to voice them. It can be hard to get the words out, but once you do, it will feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Some examples include “I’m sorry, but I have to say no” or “That’s not something I do and here’s why”. Explanations need not be exhaustive but sometimes giving context for your answer will take some of the heaviness off your response. Likewise, an expression of empathy can go a long way; for example, “I know you’re worried” or “I know you need my help”, but…
4. Consistency is Key: One of the biggest problems I see regarding boundaries is when people are inconsistent. I know veterinarians who say they’re unavailable for calls but then answer their phone anyways. Or colleagues who say they want weekends off with family but then come in to work on their days off. To avoid confusion with others in your life, when you set a boundary, stick with it. And if you don’t, for whatever reason, acknowledge that you are making an exception to your rule!
5. Enlist Support: Tell your family and friends what you are trying to accomplish by setting healthy boundaries and recruit some of them as accountability buddies. Ask them to remind you when your boundaries are slipping. And if you continue to struggle with boundaries, you might seek support from a mental health professional. Years ago, when I was struggling to set boundaries with family and co-workers, I saw a counsellor who was an incredible help.

Think of healthy boundary-setting as short-term pain for long-term gain! I can’t promise it will be easy, but I can promise that you will thank yourself once it’s done.